(Again, because I was selfish before!)
Last week, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone fairly significantly twice. One was a attending work-organized day that involved planning around big environmental and economic issues, topics way out of my league. I was able to hear some neat speakers, and work with some colleagues that I wouldn’t ordinarily come across. And inevitably my working style means I’ll have a fairly significant role in assembling the finished product. Damn you, protestant work ethic. The other, as I had mentioned, involved being on a panel at a social media & marketing conference where I ended up speaking to a room of about a hundred people. And I did okay. And that’s not something that I have done very often in my life (hence hiding behind my computer screen).
Someone asked me last week why I had done these things, instead of saying no to the panel or not registering for the day; why did I make myself uncomfortable? I think I realized that with so much chaos in other realms of my life right now, it was a couple of little things that I could do, and enjoy the stress in a positive way. There’s nothing particularly bad going on around here – it’s just the seemingly unending swirling madness of kids/house/work/relationships/everything being kind of vaguely crappy and not under control or constructive or calm. I grabbed a couple of things that I could do for myself and ran with them. Maybe it stopped me from drowning.
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Maybe it turns out that I am okay at public speaking sometimes. Maybe it turns out that my opinions on the green economy and job creation are legitimate. Maybe there’s even more evidence of my self-critical voice that I was able to banish briefly. Here’s something you can probably figure out from my blog, or from knowing me in real life: I have debilitatingly low self-esteem. I am the biggest critic of myself ever. It seems like I will never think I am good enough at anything.
Except, I am trying to do a little work on this pretty huge problem. Because it’s affected me too much. This problem requires a LOT of self-indulgence and some time away from the kids. It seems pretty selfish. And also? It’s really, really hard to do. I’m worried that I’m going to end up sitting in front of the mirror…
Well, whatever works, eh?
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On Friday, due to attending the planning day, and going out after, I didn’t see my kids for 24 hours. That? Is selfish. But mostly REJUVENATING. It’s totally necessary. It had been a while.
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The “after” was a book reading/launch for Mothering and Blogging: The Radical Act of the Mommyblog. I also got to meet up with Nadine before the launch for dinner; had been too long since I saw her in person. I really, really enjoyed the passages that the editors read out, and the discussion that followed of a feminist analysis of “mommy blogs”.
I have had a problem calling this space by that moniker. Because I wince at the word ‘mommy’. I don’t want to be called mommy, except by my kids (who actually say Mummy or Mum). I prefer parenting/life blogging – that’s on my business card right now. But the editors pointed out that the genre does have a feminine identity; it’s not just about being a parent. It should be gendered, whether you call it mommy blogging or the ‘momosphere’ or whatever. It’s a lot about mothers talking about mothering in a space where their kids aren’t reading it (yet) or hearing it. My blog reading encompasses much more than moms or dads blogging. But it was kind of a nice reminder of one of the biggest benefits of doing this, of participating in this space. That discussion between mothers about mothering and the issues that come with that particular identity.
The book is on my nightstand, waiting to be read.
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I’m reading more lately in general. A return to reading books, which had been decimated by the birth of the kids. Yes, I’m doing that for myself too. And it feels good.
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March 1st 2010 at 9:34 pm
Congratulations on taking such big, stretchy steps out of your comfort zone! I can certainly relate to the low self-esteem thing and taking active steps to improve upon it can be so hard, but so very necessary.
Just remember, if people are asking you to do these things, they clearly regard you as perfectly capable of handling them. That’s a boost in itself.
March 3rd 2010 at 10:39 pm
I totally should have gone to that talk on Friday. Oh well. Great recap here — really interesting analysis of “mommy bloggers.” And to see you and Nadine!? So glad you had fun! So glad to see you stepping up and out of your comfort zone. Very inspiring.
March 4th 2010 at 4:00 pm
you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and I like you.
March 6th 2010 at 11:57 pm
Bravo on doing those things for yourself, Emma! I am one of those “just get out there and DO IT” type people as well, and as you read on my blog recently, I’m still kind of terrified and shy when I’m out there but I have a very “sink or swim” philosophy.
Like Melissa said, if you were invited to speak on a panel, your voice is clear, strong, and respected, which is AWESOME. It’s funny how we don’t necessarily see the strengths in ourselves that other people recognize.